He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.