omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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