you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Randomize
