so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
