Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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