I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
