There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Randomize
