the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
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Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
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It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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