Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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