What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Watching her eat just hurts me
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Randomize
