I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
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