My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
