Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
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I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
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Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Drunk is a universal language darling
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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