She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
She needs sedatives and a leash
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
