woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize