i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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