How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
