Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
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