I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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