Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Randomize
