It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.