mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
25 People Confess The Biggest Betrayal They Have Ever Faced
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
25 Odd Things These Pathetic People Do For Enjoyment
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.