Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...