For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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