there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
barbara walters just said penis...
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
