I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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