you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
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Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you