i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
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