I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
