I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
