oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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