She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
