I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Randomize
