I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
