Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.