I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
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So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
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That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.