Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Someone shattered a urinal.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
