I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
23 People Noticed Deal Breakers in Their Partner A Little Too Late
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.