I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
