you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
