How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
