Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
