I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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