i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
