So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
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One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
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The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????