I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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