I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
