you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize