my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Randomize
