He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
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