I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.