I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I cockslap morals
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?