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How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
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