You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Rumble strips road head = magical
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I am available for nakedness
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
