I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
