this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Randomize
