Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I'm passing your future prison.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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