Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
