Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
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