apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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