After last night, I could never be a politician.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Send help, water and tortillas.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
false alarm, still single
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
