Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize