Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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