I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
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