She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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